In what many are heralding as a new era of bipartisanship, democratic leadership agreed to modify some parts of the SB 5395 curriculum in order to accommodate requested changes by the political right.

“We think that it’s a shame that 1st and 2nd graders will learn about marriage, but they won’t learn that every marriage gets boring unless you start putting things in each other’s butts,” says Democratic senator and sponsor of the bill Claire Wilson. “They won’t have a full picture of marital life.”

“Our students need to know what their parents are going through. Plus, we have a majority, so we didn’t really need to compromise,” she said. “However, a few of us still like to shop at Hobby Lobby, so we made the deal that we could delay pegging as long as we got to go back into Hobby Lobby.

Under the old bill, students got exposed to “hard sports” and “pegging” and other advanced topics in 1st and 2nd grade. Hands-on experience was initially required in 4th grade. Under the new legislation, classroom work is now delayed until 4th grade. There are no lab or hands-on requirements until high school.

A Diagram of changes to S.B. 5395

A Summary of proposed changes to SB 5395

In a statement that he said on purpose, on the senate floor, and even prepared in advance, Republican senator Brad Klippert “Including oral to genital, anal, or penetration of the vagina or rectum by any object. This is what I’m talking about.”

It’s uncertain whether Jay Inslee will sign this bill, as the governor’s office has taken a hard line towards educating kids early. However, Sara Lee, executive communications director for Governor Inslee, says this:

“We’ve passed career connect, and we know that preparing kids of all genders for careers such as strippers and escorts starts early. But sadly, some kids don’t have the daddy issues or internet access that lead them down to discover topics like BDSM, and pegging, so this legislation balances the scales.”

Kennewick councilman Steve Lee chimed in “Anything that can help prepare our students to live life, I’m totally for. I love it when kids can be expected to know what to do when they come into different situations, it always makes my day better. I don’t really care if they have experience or not just so long as they know what to expect.”


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Jen Wenger

Jen is our most experienced reporter. She carries student loan debt of over $200,000 and a master's degree from a mid-grade land grant. Jen churns out shitty stories for our shitty, small-town paper and then goes home and drinks half a box of wine every night.