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TED NUGENT TO ENTER WASHINGTON CD-4 CONGRESSIONAL RACE

The “Wango-Tango” singer, Ted Nugent, announced today that he is entering the crowded and competitive Republican primary race for Washington’s 4th Congressional District. Nugent joins an increasingly crowded field, including Loren “She was asking for it,” Culp Brad “My Facebook Was Hacked By My Staff” Klippert, and Jerrod “Everyone is the Radical Left But Me” Sessler all vying to unseat Dan “Bring Home The Bacon” Newhouse for the vaunted CD-4 seat once held by Gov Jay “Drop Dead, Tri-Cities” Inslee.

“It’s a Free for All,” says Nugent at his announcement press conference, “You can bet your life!” Sources say that he surveyed the field and found it was way too liberal. Nugent hopes to use name recognition to make a splash. He also found that his particular brand of conservatism played really well with a big part of the Tri-Cities demographic. “It’s a brand new dance; it’s sweepin’ the nation,” Nugen says.

Already in the field was longtime political hopeful Loren Culp, whose previous high-water mark in office was declining to prosecute child sex abusers. He had received support from Nugent in the past for his strong stance on recreational shoot-em-ups, but this time Nugent says, “I don’t pay to have my dirty work done for me. I do it myself.”

“Nugent is going to scare Culp, who was counting on totally owning the pedophile demographic,” says local political analyst Ben E. Hanna, “But have you looked at the lyrics to Jailbait? The dude talks about banging 13-year-olds. Culp will be screwed.  So many people planned to vote for him because he declined to investigate.  This takes it all to a whole other level.”

Also in the CD-4 race is longtime state representative Brad Klippert, who, like Ted Cruz, blames abject total incompetence for doing crazy stuff on his Facebook wall. Klippert would rather have us believe he is stupid and doesn’t care about his staff. In a continuing spat with local stoner and attention-seeking overtipper Steve Lee, Klippert’s official Facebook page called Lee, who was elected to office: “Not the brightest and you’ll never be elected” in response to a question about how MLK and Rosa Parks would feel about using them in a political. Klippert issued a totally humble and totally believable apology citing breathtaking incompetence as his defense.

Hanna also paints dark news for Sessler. “Well, in this race, Sessler’s brand of conservative politics would ordinarily be the furthest to the right, but Nugent is comfortable with all of the conservatives. From the board room to the local “Sons of Odin” motorcycle community. I see him drawing support away from all of the candidate’s most passionate members.”

The 2022 primary election has not yet been set, so we may see even more people enter the fray.

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Cacophony Malice

Since the fur trading days of John Day, Cacophony Malice has been speaking truth to power in the Tri-Cities. He has 2 Suburus, a crepe shop, and 140 records that he never plays. He is in a polyamorous relationship with his wife and 5 dogs in Kennewick, WA